Rolling

Roll your works upon the Lord, commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and so shall your plans be established and succeed. Proverbs 16:3

Friends,

I have the great privilege and honor of being friends with a few women who are truly superheros. One of them, Jane Pettit, gave me this scripture above to focus on and pray and I want to share it with you.

I have consistently gotten my ideas of who God is mixed up with the truth of who God is and the result is invariably confusion and frustration. In darker times I have been challenged to repent of believing lies about who God is. For example- not believing that God is good. Perhaps the image of the cosmic disciplinarian lingers in my sub conscience and even though I know that's not true, it creeps in.

I have often believed that when things are hard or bad that God is teaching me some sort of lesson, and that I should endure it for that reason. How very wrong. I remember being in the throes of my post partum depression when Sydney was maybe 4 or 5 months old, another sleepless, anxiety filled night for me while Sydney and Matt snored. I remember saying angrily aloud to God, "What could I possibly be learning from this!"

There is a subtle yet distinct difference that needs to be metabolized here. God did not author my post partum in order to teach me something. My human body, flawed as it is, as all of ours are, went hormone haywire and triggered an off the chart anxiety that didn't subside after two weeks- when the baby blues are supposed to vanish. I went to God again and again and again. I felt forgotten, forsaken. I felt like a failure. I felt these things--because my chemical, physical, self was totally out of wack. Yes, God could've touched me and healed me in an instant but he didn't. As he's done before, he allowed me to humble myself and ask for help. I am stubborn so it took 6 months, but when I finally asked for help, medical help, I recieved it and was healed. All healing comes from him. I think he knew I would have more confidence in medical healing.

What He did with my situation is he redeemed it. This is the difference. Redemption- to make good out of something bad. Resurrection- to bring something to life that was lifeless. I am convinced that this is the business he is in- In spite of our lack of belief, our doubts, our disappointments-- he makes something beautiful out of an ugly mess.

I am living proof. Man oh man was I an ugly mess, I can still be an ugly mess. Visit me on a weekday morning before 9am! And man oh man- has he made me beautiful.Not physically per se (again, weekday mornings, rough) but I am a beautiful work in progress . I am in the process of being redeemed, every day. Places that died in me- are being brought to life- dreams, hope, faith. What makes me beautiful is that I am broken, and in spite of my broken-ness He is making something good of me. He is fixing me. Often, in spite of myself.

So thank you Jane. Thank you Lauren. Thank you Cheryl. Thank you Anna and Ryan and Jenna and Paula and Mom and Nancy and Cameron. Thank you for all you've done to speak into my life past and present and remind me that I am a beautiful mess- a beloved work in progress.

Love, Cameron