Budapest

I couldn't not write tonight. I couldn't not write. I couldn't not say what's occured to me tonight, but what's been building over the weeks and months since we've been back from Budapest. When I think about us going back, I feel like I am hiding - as in a game of hide and seek. Only imagine I am just a kid and playing with someone much bigger and older than I am, and when I shut my eyes real tight and wedge my body inside the cupboard, I am still found. My playmate just smiles and calls my name. It's really not a fair game. Him being omniscent and all.

So I am playing hide and seek and what I am hiding from is the overwhelming sense of being called back. Back to Budapest, yes, to the Mission Field, yes. Those two things are interdependant- it's seems. But I could be wrong. We could be called to Uzbekhistan? I just don't think so. I hope not. No offence Uzbekhistan, but we are called to Budapest. Her name - yes- we've feminized her- is like the name of your most favorite, glamorous, creative cousin. Someone who inspires and mystifies you. Someone who sometimes makes you sad because of her broken heart, but amazed at her indomitable spirit.

Ok, are you getting tired of the analogies and metaphors. I am waxing poetic, and I am due that. It's been a few days.

Tonight our precious friends and bandmates joined us for a magical time of worship at St. Martins. I was tired, late and ornery. The band was amazing and patient. The worship time was anointed, breathtaking and holy. I was convicted in my spirit: I have been hiding.

Steve Johnson and his family were there and Steve spoke about Budapest tonight, but something he said amazed me..."As we say in YWAM, it's not your ability, but your availability, that matters."

Lord, am I available? Am I avaiable to do as Abram was instructed to do, to leave what's known, safe and familiar and follow the sound of your voice into the wide, wide world? I like to think so, I do. I like to pat myself on the back a bit and say, "We've done that, we've moved our family across a country, ocean and continent for You. We're all set, thanks. Back to normal now, thank you very much." But it's the still small voice, and the magnificent presence that reminds me: "We've only just begun."

Make of it what you will but I am tired of playing both hands in this great cosmic card game (there I go again with the analogies!). I want to go, I do, but I am scared. And that's the truth. No more hiding.